Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.