Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
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me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”