Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
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9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
❤️🦆
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best