You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
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My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are