Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
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Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Every BBC series about the universe.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
shit just got real
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.