Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
No, I don’t think I will.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!