mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
You Might Also Like
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce