Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
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What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.