Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
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Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Happy Thanksgiving
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.