“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
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Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
It’s an epidemic…
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.