If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If you had more money you’d be happier.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona