inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix