I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
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Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.