I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
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Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
awkward
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.