When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Once again not all heroes wear capes
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.