I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up