Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
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23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
you have three unread messages
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.