Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
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Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Very good news from my accountant