Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
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[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one