put ‘er there pardner!
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Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking