[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
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Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.