what’s really going on
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How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
a lot to unpack here
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.