wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family