Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
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My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts