Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
You Might Also Like
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going