turning my gender off to conserve energy
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What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match