[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
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I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
The Joker was right
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.