I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
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Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
White parent Vs Arab parents
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified