Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
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Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED