[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
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Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]