We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Would you wear it?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
In case you needed to hear it:
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.