Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”