New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
You Might Also Like
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?