Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
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PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it