I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
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Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once