If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
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We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.