Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
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*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.