I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
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I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I did not eat the cake…
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬