I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
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CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
How do you like your Corgi?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Canadian owl: Eh?
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.