*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
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my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.