Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Ape together strong
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*