4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
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PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.