Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
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Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay