*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
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Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription: