Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
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[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…