Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
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*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send