5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
and now we wait
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.