Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
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This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!