It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.