My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
You Might Also Like
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
NASA has no chill
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.